the way i am?

If your going to fall in love with me, its only fair that you know what youre falling in love with.

Your falling in love with my insecurities, my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. Your falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, my hopes and dreams, and how im a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you will fall in love with my self hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody would ever love me.

But however, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will light up when I see you, the way Ill text you in the morning to have a great day. Your falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me despite my thinking that is impossible.

But Im waiting for you.

ITS A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Uhm, jk its like 2:12 am but HEY thats how I feel at the moment.

Have you ever had like, your own personal medicine? Not like NyQuil, Prozac or Melatonin but like your own little routine or coping technique that just in an instant makes you happy? Well for me, that would be music, making paper stars, painting my nails, and driving around at night with the windows down and listening to grateful dead(haha,dont laugh,the rents were dead heads so I was bound to become one one of these days) Anyway, I havent had my iPod for like 195979017389 months. (Okay so maybe like 2, or 3 months maybe even 4) I somehow managed to get ahold of a friends last iPod before she got her itouch and ever since I've been listening to music 24/7 I have been coincidentally doing ALOT better than before (if you've caught a glimpse of my past blog posts) AND I have been making friendship bracelets!(more on that later) Creativity really kicks in when you've been grounded, eh?

I hate thinking about how there was a possibility that I could of been depressed. I know some friends that were a couple months ago and at times after I got caught up on the 3 or 4 months of music that I missed out on, I was like "Dude fuck being sad. We are just teenagers."

Why cant we just go with the flow and laugh a bunch, use manners not cause we HAVE to but because we can. Try something new(I made friendship bracelets. The embroidery floss you get is 40 cents at Hobby Lobby and friendship-bracelets.com has some freakin' neat-o patterns.) We should just trust our feelings and spend money and introduce ourself.

Dont forget to embrace messy hair and find something that never fails to make you smile. Even on your weakest days, find a reason to be strong. Find something beautiful in each day.

Wasnt it easier in the firefly catching days?

If it was summer, I would not care. My phone would be shoved in the glove box of my car. And I'd be running around with long wavy hair, shorts and flip flops on, and a killer tan. My girls and I would be staying out all night and sleeping all day.

But its not summer. And every class Im in, I just stare out the windows and count the days until it is summertime. And I stare at my phone while it mocks me. Cause while your number is deleted, I still have it memorized. And every single day I almost text you. But I know you wont reply. I know your over it. I know theres no point. But even after we broke up, you said we were going to hang out all summer. That we'd still be best friends,and I would always have a special place in your heart. Its different now. We walk by eachother at school and its like we've never even met.

Sometimes I just wanna go back to 2nd grade. When on the Saturday nights, my cousins and I stayed at my grandparents house and ran around the backyard at night barefoot catching fireflies. Cause everything was easier. We cried over breaking a bicycle instead of a broken heart. When we wanted to by like our Mother, instead of now wanting to be like Ke$ha.

Right now I have two words that I feel like. Two words that explain how I've been feeling: It hurts. And now, Im afraid of like everything. Im so dependent cause Im scared of being alone. There are certain people that arent ment to be put in your life. No matter how much you want them too, and if everything happens for a reason why do we have to be so upset after everything is over? I mean, we should just be able to stfu and move on.

Everyone feels like everyone else, just not at the same time - That makes me wonder. Do you ever think of me? Am I the first person that you think of in the morning?

We're all fucked up because everyone lies. Sometimes people will tell you they care. Sometimes people tell you that they love you. Sometimes people say that they want you. Sometimes people say they will catch you when you fall. Sometimes people say they will never hurt you. Sometimes people say they would die for you. Sometimes people say you are worth it. Sometimes people say its going to be okay. Sometimes people just HAVE to lie and fuck everything up when they show you their true colors.

Being a teenager is vastly overrated. We make all these mistakes. We are too stubborn and we dont give two shits about what our parents think. We hate school. We fight,we love,we cry, we give up on believing in a higher power. Grades don't mean anything anymore because we base our lives on music lyrics and quotes. Most importantly, we are fucking tired. We are tired of waking up every morning and having to go to school and seeing the people we hate. We get tired of waiting for the text message thats not going to come, we get tired of pretending we're fine.

I get tired of missing you every second of every day. I wish it was summer so my mind could be elsewhere.